Essay 1&2 Feedback
"I have read through these and I think they show a good grasp of triangulation, using research to support an argument. you make your points fairly clearly throughout but it would be useful to know which quote you are responding to and how that has led you to the subject material. It would be improved by using theories of the male gaze - John Berger or Laura Mulvey to support the points that you make. The use of women and sex within advertising is often geared towards a male audience despite the actual product in question, the body shaming is a direct consequence of these perceptions of bodies and relationships. I think this will help underpin your current argument. There are quite a few typos and 1st and 2nd person references that could be dealt with through a proof reading, the academic style is in the 3rd person. The pieces of writing could be concluded or summarised more effectively by simply rounding up the points you have made. I do think that the male gaze will help you put this all in perspective. "
"I have read through these and I think they show a good grasp of triangulation, using research to support an argument. you make your points fairly clearly throughout but it would be useful to know which quote you are responding to and how that has led you to the subject material. It would be improved by using theories of the male gaze - John Berger or Laura Mulvey to support the points that you make. The use of women and sex within advertising is often geared towards a male audience despite the actual product in question, the body shaming is a direct consequence of these perceptions of bodies and relationships. I think this will help underpin your current argument. There are quite a few typos and 1st and 2nd person references that could be dealt with through a proof reading, the academic style is in the 3rd person. The pieces of writing could be concluded or summarised more effectively by simply rounding up the points you have made. I do think that the male gaze will help you put this all in perspective. "
After this feedback I decided to investigate this further and edit in a text surrounding the male gaze. I took out the text I concluded to be the least relevant 'New Research by Marlene V. Kindes (2006)'
as I had included the least amount of quotes from it so it would be easier to triangulate the new text with the remainders. The text I chose to include was 'Visual and Other Pleasures' by Laura Mulvey, feminist film-maker and theorist. This and many of her other books contain information about the male gaze or 'Scopophilia' as Freud named it. This was where women are subjected to objectification, viewing becomes pleasure, the cinema or screens are particularly an ideal place for this.
I would agree that the addition of this text really brought the essays together. It took a while to re-triangulate the references and so on but found it was worth it as the make gaze is clearly relatable to all sources, particularly the imagery in the visual analysis essay with the Tom Ford advertisement. It added another dimension of theory to my research as I began to consider not only the implication of advertisements, but the desires of the audience.
No comments:
Post a Comment